I was articulate, I was clear, and I spoke calmly while making eye contact; so why couldn’t my son remember what I was asking him to do? Was it that he didn’t care, or was it because the motivation of 12-year-old boys seems to steadily decline into the early teen years? Either way, nothing was working. My consequences, my motivational speeches, and my allowance of natural consequences to take place all fell short of helping my son complete his daily chores and tasks.
What I wish I had known many years ago was the link between ADHD and something called working memory¹. In simple terms, working memory is, in part, the information our brains retain for short amounts of time in order to perform certain tasks. This means that things such as remembering and performing multi-step instructions without losing track of what they were doing is incredibly difficult for those with impairments to their working memory.
As a 2024 article from Child Mind Institute noted², these lapses in working memory can often be interpreted as behavior problems. The article says, “When they fail to follow a set of instructions they appear to be unmotivated or even oppositional which can lead to conflict with teachers and parents and accusations of not trying hard enough.”
When I began to understand working memory and its impact on children, especially those with ADHD, I suddenly realized that it wasn’t that my son wouldn’t do the things I had told him, it was that he couldn’t; his brain was not capable of processing all of my instructions. When I was finally able to shift my understanding of his behaviors from “won’t” to “can’t” behaviors, I discovered that he needed understanding and some accommodations, not another lecture.
As I began to search for ways to help my son complete his daily tasks, I came across 1 Samuel 16:7 which says, “God does not see as man sees, since man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” As I read the words of this verse, I began to ask the Lord to help me look past the outward “appearances” of my son’s behaviors and help me to see his heart.
While there are certainly times that misbehaviors need to be addressed and corrected, it is important that we also look beyond the behaviors, with the Lord’s help, and look at the heart of our children to discover anything that may be contributing to the actions with which we have grown so frustrated. By doing this, we can offer tools to help our kids succeed instead of trying to correct things that they are not able to do on their own.
If you are a parent who is struggling with a child with ADHD or another learning disability and you think your child may be struggling with working memory, consider using one or more of the following tips/tricks with your child:
- Discover your child’s memory capacity: Some kids may struggle with working memory more than others. While some children may be able to remember three or four instructions at a time, other children may find it difficult to even remember two back-to-back instructions. Dedicate some time to discovering what your child’s memory capacity is and focus on giving instructions within those ability boundaries.
- Use step-by-step instructions for everything. Kids with working memory concerns often drift off task easily, sometimes while they are in the middle of completing that task. For example, a child who was told to go brush his teeth may wind up reading a book before he has finished brushing his teeth. For every task that is a struggle, use step-by step instructions to keep your child’s focus on small, manageable actions. When it comes to brushing teeth, those steps may include:
- Put toothpaste on your toothbrush
- Wet the brush with water
- Brush your upper teeth
- Brush your lower teeth
- Rinse off your toothbrush
- Rinse your teeth
- Put your toothbrush back in the cup
- Place the cap back on the toothpaste
- Place visual cue cards around the house for problem tasks. When my son struggled to get himself up and ready for his day in the morning, I printed him a visual “to-do” list that he could follow. This included small action steps such as “pick up your blankets, change your clothes, brush your hair, take your backpack to the door,” etc. However, I quickly discovered that as he went through the house, he could not keep track of his “list”, nor could he remember to go back and check his next list item if it was out of his sight. To navigate this, I put an “action list” in every place I knew he went in the morning. I taped one to his mirror, I taped one to the kitchen cabinet, I taped one by the door, and I taped one by his desk. That way, as he walked through the house, his memory was jogged by the numerous “action lists” along his morning path.
Every child is different, and it will take time of trial and error to discover what works for your child. Be patient, and don’t give up. Ask the Lord to help you see the heart of your child and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you as you serve your family well.